*sigh* and life goes on.

Well. I went to Tuba Christmas, and that was fun. Really, it was. There were HUNDREDS of Tuba's and baritones and shit like that.. I can't even spell the names of some of the instruments that were there... There was this 100-some year old tuba-thing called a baradum? *shrugs* Forget the name, but it starts with a B and it sounds like an anemic trombone. Hrm.. Lots of people went.. lesse.. who.. Lee, Jessica, Samantha.. though she sat there and held the flugabone, too bad you can't bring flutes, hehe.. Mmmm.. Pattie had a baritone, I had a borrowed fluga.. Josh was there, Dan, Laura, and a bunch of Jessica's friends from BG. Eh. It was long.. and.. that's about all i can say about that.Later. well. Why do I always get depressed after I have fun? I think it's partly a blood-sugar thing, really.. Partly because I have a tendency to mull over subjects that make me quiver in fear and get really depressed. Like.. How tedious my life can get most of the time.. I do the same fucking things all of the time. If it's not homework, it's scholarships.. I sit on my ass, occasionally do things with friends, practice softball and band, eat and sleep... It's... Fucked up. And.. death. Anytime anyone just starts casually talking about death, like my parents and grandparents were at my brother's ensemble thing.. I freeze. My mind gets caught in a loop or something.. I.. I just can't think. I am SO afraid to die. I don't want to stop living, ever. I want to feel the wind on my face, taste the spring air, smell cookies baking or dewey flowers or a forest in the spring or winter when nature is at her most beautiful.. I want to feel rain on my face, be happy, feel pain... I want to laugh, cry, love, hurt, hate, LIVE. Never do I want to fall into the eternal darkness.. Yet, I know it will happen. Someday. Everything passes.. and I'm afraid. It's the only thing I can say I am TRULY afraid of. Heights, ok maybe.. But I can deal with that. Death? Damn. Never, no.. I can't.. I don't want to.. And it scares me. The thought of death makes my skin crawl and my breath shorten, makes me want to curl up in a feotal position and hug my favorite stuffed animal, sucking my thumb and pretending I'm an innocent five year old who knows nothing of death and suffering. I don't want to die and find out that there is nothing.. That everything I did in life just CEASES to matter. My conscience.. scattered to the four winds, my memories amounting to nothing but a few amino acids soaking into the rich soil. I don't want to find out that the damn christians are right and I'll burn in some hell for eternity because I followed what I thought was right and not a Patriarcial, sadistic, murderous and totalyl intolerant religion. I shiver... I fear for my soul, for my dreams. I fear.. so much. And don't say that I won't care when I'm dead because I won't feel things anyway... That's the point! I DO NOT want to cease to exist! To be nothing, to feel nothing, to MEAN NOTHING. Gods.... *shivers* I need to stop this. Damn long rant... I'm... going to shut up now... Even Tolkien and Queen Adreena aren't doing a very good job of cheering me up..