Well....

Well. The party was fun, I suppose.. Watching the grinch, playing pictionary, presents... Though, I only knew two people. Ah well. It was a cheer up.Mmmm... Pizza and Junk food. Complete with plushie zebra and candles.Fwee! Weird mood! At least I'm happier now!

Nostalgia sucks

Yeah. Thank you little brother. He just HAD to go show me some old pictures.. of Chip, of old vacations... Now I'm in a shitty nostalgic mood that's just generally getting me depressed. Woohoo. What fun. Yeah.. Y'know how when you're a little kid, and you wish you would just grow up so you could do stuff and your parents would stop yelling at you? Well, my parents still yell some and hell, I get to do more stuff but most of it is work. Yeah, I screw off some.. but I'm like, constantly stressed. I mean, it's christmas break now and I've been sitting all day working on scholarship crap. Mind, it's not exactly hard scholarship work, actually, it's a drawing thing so it's actually kinda fun.. but still. Little kids don't know how good they've got it. They really don't have much work to do.. they don't have as many responsibilities, but sometimes, I would trade the lack of responsibility for a stress-free week.I remember something I heard once, something like.. "we work and work to make our futures better, save up money, work our lives away.. and when we finally have time to do the things we wanted to do while we were working, we're too old to do any of them." That's me paraphrasing, and I totally forget where I heard that, but... Damn. I really don't want to work my youth away... And I wish I could tell my dad all of this, but I can't seem to get it into words. I'm starting to worry him, methinks... His little talk yesterday just managed to get me depressed. It's like, he's totally dissapointed in me. Or worried, more like.. He says he thinks I don't care, that I screw off to much.. I almost think he thinks I'm doing drugs, which I sure as hell wouldn't do in a million years. I mean.. Maybe I don't care as much as I used to. I really don't know any more... Damn. I need psychiatric help or something... to get stuff of my chest besides a stupid journal. I can't talk to my parents about anything, mom just gets upset and dad gets too worried, and yeah I can talk to my friends... but they've got worse problems then me and I'm a bit worried about, well, seeming superficial. Screw this. Maybe the party tonight will cheer me up some... Hopefully... Time to go back to my drawing now... Ah well...And... Two day's 'till christmas!

Get her away from the quizzes already! Gees!

You are Sirius Black! The dead sexy ex-convict. Youlike long walks on the beach and possibly hateSnape with a passion^^ Go you! Which of the marauders are you? brought to you by QuizillaSirius!!! woohoo!!!Your sign of frustration is....Swearing!!!! To you,swearing is the perfect solution to everything.The more frustrated you become, the more youswear. You have a very large vocabulary range! What sign of frustration are you? brought to you by QuizillaI am? *blinks innocently*borderline Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by QuizillaEh.. yup. That's me. Barring the self mutilation.. o.OYOU SAW YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by QuizillaO.OOk. Not. Enough of that.. Yeah.. Whatever.. By..

Duh.

Wow. I am a fucktard. I was supposed to go to Lizz's party tommorow, but for some reason... I thought it was today! D'oh! I look at my sheet once I get to her house and.. Oops! It's tomorrow! D'oh!Youre the Fire Fairy> You love fire of course! Youburn everthing you see, but youre very cheerfuland easy going. Now please vote for me even ifits a 1!!! Please!! Which Beautiful Amy Brown Fairy Are You? (with pretty pics) brought to you by QuizillaDumb quiz, but amy brown has awesome art.

Quiz. Yum,

Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurksabout you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,right? What element would you rein over? (For Girls) brought to you by QuizillaThis is me. Bored. But liking stars and such doesn't mean i'm CONSTANTLY depressed...

Damn

Well. Today was crappy.. Kelly got hit in the face at the softball game, DAMN HARD. She went into a seizure and well.. it scared the crap out of everyone. Half of us were crying or sick, I swear.. She's ok, only a broken nose and a fractured cheekbone.. which is ok in the situation.. but it was still damn scary.What else? well, my brother's betta, Bob, died, and that upset him.. but I'm a bit out of sympathy at the moment.. I'm.. yeah. Going to go now. I've got a bit of a headache..Damn. I hope nothing else happens...

*sigh* and life goes on.

Well. I went to Tuba Christmas, and that was fun. Really, it was. There were HUNDREDS of Tuba's and baritones and shit like that.. I can't even spell the names of some of the instruments that were there... There was this 100-some year old tuba-thing called a baradum? *shrugs* Forget the name, but it starts with a B and it sounds like an anemic trombone. Hrm.. Lots of people went.. lesse.. who.. Lee, Jessica, Samantha.. though she sat there and held the flugabone, too bad you can't bring flutes, hehe.. Mmmm.. Pattie had a baritone, I had a borrowed fluga.. Josh was there, Dan, Laura, and a bunch of Jessica's friends from BG. Eh. It was long.. and.. that's about all i can say about that.Later. well. Why do I always get depressed after I have fun? I think it's partly a blood-sugar thing, really.. Partly because I have a tendency to mull over subjects that make me quiver in fear and get really depressed. Like.. How tedious my life can get most of the time.. I do the same fucking things all of the time. If it's not homework, it's scholarships.. I sit on my ass, occasionally do things with friends, practice softball and band, eat and sleep... It's... Fucked up. And.. death. Anytime anyone just starts casually talking about death, like my parents and grandparents were at my brother's ensemble thing.. I freeze. My mind gets caught in a loop or something.. I.. I just can't think. I am SO afraid to die. I don't want to stop living, ever. I want to feel the wind on my face, taste the spring air, smell cookies baking or dewey flowers or a forest in the spring or winter when nature is at her most beautiful.. I want to feel rain on my face, be happy, feel pain... I want to laugh, cry, love, hurt, hate, LIVE. Never do I want to fall into the eternal darkness.. Yet, I know it will happen. Someday. Everything passes.. and I'm afraid. It's the only thing I can say I am TRULY afraid of. Heights, ok maybe.. But I can deal with that. Death? Damn. Never, no.. I can't.. I don't want to.. And it scares me. The thought of death makes my skin crawl and my breath shorten, makes me want to curl up in a feotal position and hug my favorite stuffed animal, sucking my thumb and pretending I'm an innocent five year old who knows nothing of death and suffering. I don't want to die and find out that there is nothing.. That everything I did in life just CEASES to matter. My conscience.. scattered to the four winds, my memories amounting to nothing but a few amino acids soaking into the rich soil. I don't want to find out that the damn christians are right and I'll burn in some hell for eternity because I followed what I thought was right and not a Patriarcial, sadistic, murderous and totalyl intolerant religion. I shiver... I fear for my soul, for my dreams. I fear.. so much. And don't say that I won't care when I'm dead because I won't feel things anyway... That's the point! I DO NOT want to cease to exist! To be nothing, to feel nothing, to MEAN NOTHING. Gods.... *shivers* I need to stop this. Damn long rant... I'm... going to shut up now... Even Tolkien and Queen Adreena aren't doing a very good job of cheering me up..